Halo to all.
You know, people my age, regardless of where, who, or how, have to deal with crushes. No, I’m not referring to them crushing defeats whenever you lose in a clutch 49-50 Halo match that I did experience once. I’m referring to that very moment when you lay eyes on someone who meets your expectations on these adjectives: Beautiful, cute, or hot (Maybe all 3, depending on your preference). That’s not all; Your mind tends to play some kind of fantasy when the moment you talk to that person, it creates a possibility of a romance with him or her.
For those who were able to get pass through the stage of social interaction with your crush and end up getting into a romantic relationship with them, I applaud you for your bravery to win love. Unfortunately for me, I admit. I couldn’t get through that stage, and it has been that way since my secondary school days (About 7 years to be precise). To add in a reason why, it’s because I’m an INFJ.
In case you don’t know the personality of an INFJ, I’ll give you some traits:
- They do interact with people, but are too shy and sensitive to tell or show them specific details about themselves as it may lead to them getting hurt or rejected.
- Genuinely cares for humanity, even if they don’t show it.
- Whenever they go outdoors with people, they’d rather be accompanied by a few close friends rather than a crowd.
- As they are intuitive, they often are observant on the changes they see around them, including people. Hence, they can easily sense whether the person is feeling okay or not.
- Expresses more of themselves through written means rather than verbal.
- They are very selective of who they choose as their friend as they ideally want something that can last in the long-term.
- When it comes to romance, they ideally crave for a lover who will commit to stay by their side till the end of time. Not just that, they monogamously want one whom they could connect with physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
- Felt like they are not satisfied on the goals that they achieved, even if they give their upmost effort or improvement, because they wish to achieve perfectionism.
- As introverts, they prefer to spend time alone to recharge.
- Hopeless romantics with a dirty mind.
Perhaps I myself am rare and unique, due to the fact that INFJs make up 1% of the population. Nevertheless, because of who I am, crushes and reciprocation is either a one-way or no-way trip. And I had gone through cycles of it.
Take for instance, during my secondary school times, weeks after observing the many couples doing couple-y stuff at the Sentosa Boardwalk, I developed a crush on one of my classmates. That happened when we were on a class outing on ecology. But that’s not the important part of what I want to write on this paragraph. This is the important part: No conversation stroke between us, and that she was in another clique of friends. In the end, it was a no-way trip unrequited, with my good friends continuously teasing me about her whenever I was near her.
Eventually I got over it, and by the time I moved on to the polytechnic times, my eyes were fixated on a lot of ‘chiobus’ regardless of whichever part of the campus I was strolling through. Yet, out of the three girls I targeted respectively on my junior, sophomore, and senior years, all ended up becoming a one-way trip to rejection: The first one involving ‘weird’ glares at her during some class chalet, ended up in a subtle rejection from Twitter. The next one involving ‘stalking’ when I was actually having my dinner by myself, ended up in an unfollow from Twitter. The last one involving a gift with a ‘cheesy’ message to her, ended up with a direct rejection via message.
I guess you could say I’m 0-4 now, just like getting swept off from the NBA Playoffs. Who was I kidding? I’m 22 and I still lack initiating a real deep conversation with a girl worth romancing due to my shyness as an INFJ. No matter how many people bluntly ask me if I have a significant other, my answer will always be: “No idea” or “I don’t know”.
Come to the present, after getting myself a full-time healthcare job, I met someone who was employed on the same day as me. Initially during the first few weeks, there was little to no talk between us as I don’t see her often (We were deployed to different departments of the same team). Then came the days when our lunch break times collide, and there came in the opportunity to chat about our work and so on. Not just that, I get to see that smile and giggle more often. Here’s the thing; As much as I appreciate her presence during our break times or when we are about to head back home, I just lack the guts to chat deep and personal with her, as I keep having this fear of making things go ‘weird’. It’s like as if I’m okay the way things are right now but simultaneously I’m not okay with it, because my hopeful mind keeps echoing: What if there could be more ‘potential’ between us?
Sigh. Maybe every cycle of my romance is always meant to end up with a ‘Did Not Get The Girl’ trope. Maybe I was meant to get reciprocated only in my dreams, where hugs, cuddles, and kisses do happen. Maybe, just maybe, the real gets added to it.
Anyway, I’m gonna go cool my head off and hope for the positive. Anticipate for my next blog, as I have an idea what to talk about next. Till then, see you starside.
“One day. One moment. One opportunity to make a moment real.”
